Fear and Loathing at the Arnold Classic part 1

[Apollo Creed]

By definition brainstorming is just getting the shit out of your system. Some of the stuff you read will come out as such...

This is a story I should've knocked out a long time ago. After my DSLR camera was stolen last month at a Rainbow Gathering in Western Pennsylvania, my future as a photographer is at a standstill. In some ways in was a blessing as well as a curse. Even though attending female bodybuilding shows is what encouraged me to pick up a camera in the first place, I've long since branched out to cover parades and events such as National Go Topless Day and Mardi Gras. Even with all this the only thing people seem to recognize when I'm confronted in person are the "brolic bitches".

I've been part of the rolling (aggressive skating) community for over 10 years. However no one will forget the shit that I pulled on the be-mag messageboard. After a road trip to skate competition in Rochester I started posting on that board in the summer of 2004. The unusual porn posts were meant to a joke but it turned out that no one was prepared for it. During that same period I was fuckin' with the IRC channel that distributed passwords to adult pay sites. Nowadays the amount of adult physique content is larger compared to the days where it seemed like you had to pay (or search VERY hard) to see a nude female bodybuilder.

Ironically my camera was stolen at the very same place where my perspective almost did a complete 180 degree turn. During the fall of 2004 I went to my very first Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village. The highlight of the night was spotting Colette Nelson in the parade...

Two years ago I remember telling my uncle what Colette told me in Vegas about BuffCuties. Even though it put me in a financial hole she said "Its all about the passion" My uncle's response to this was "passion don't pay the bills" (I'm glad I found a community like the Rainbow Family where money isn't even an acceptable form of trade)

The reality is the only thing I have to show for my four years after college is my photography collection of female bodybuilders. Sometimes I would spend a week in my house doing nothing but photoshopping photos. After posting them on flickr and facebook it seemed like the next logical step was starting a money making blog.

One of the reasons why losing my camera was a blessing was because somewhere down the line it felt like it was consuming my life. Its nice to see T&A at a parade and have a camera to capture the moment, but I justfied the pictures I published by vowing never to profit from these photos.

Back in college my professor recommended that I read a book called The female nude: art, obscenity, and sexuality. Going back to the 180 degree transformation, I described much of my experience of my first physique show (2006 Atlantic City Pro) in another blog entry I have yet to publish (hopefully it will be up soon as most of what I'm writing only repeats what was mentioned there)

Going back to the Arnold Classic, the other delay came from some unexpected backlash. I'm used to getting shit from the twofaced motherfuckers on the unreal boards, but a female bodybuilder posted a comment that gathered the schmoes to form a lynch mob. Long story short someone I met at Veteran's Memorial Coliseum treated me to a couple of cocktails at the Hyatt bar. One of the drinks someone recommended was called a phone call to God (Bacardi 151, Amarillo, and Butterscotch). Between two of those, a jager bomb, and a couple of heinekens, I can how it might have led me to use poor judgement.

Back in college I used to have a friend whose ass I had to save almost every weekend (I'll have to salvage those stories for another entry). Long story short I wasn't used to being a drunk to burn bridges. That science I have learned master while sober. Alcohol was more or less an outlet for me to drown my misery. Being that I'm probably gonna be flammed for posting this on unreal (msgboard) anyway, I might as well add that my biggest regret was not having a stronger substance in my system. In college getting drunk on alcohol was just a typical Friday night. There were some suboxones I took to sell at Ohio State (before my bookbag was lost). Before getting into details recent events made me change my mind about regretting not being further gone than I already was (long story short during my last night in Miami there was shit on the table I had to get rid of fast so I put it under my tongue.

...with that said I'm hitting the submit button against my better judgement. My next installment will include pictures (despite things that shouldn't have been mentioned, I'm not entirely too sure that my camera will be replaced...for all I know it may mark and end of an era in Gonzo Journalism)

[four444]

I have no f-ing idea what you are talking about - at all - but somehow I liked this post anyways.

One thing that did occur to me was that it seems like you either lose stuff or have it stolen, like, two hundred times more frequently than the average human being.

[hennellmikey]

Reading this post was like opening a box of Grapenuts - no grapes, no nuts.

[Apollo Creed]

Rather than go back and fix the several grammatical errors I saw in the first few paragraphs, I'm just gonna keep writing and hope that things get back on track (so hopefully people will find some grapes and nuts).

As you probably guessed I abandoned the idea of starting from the beginning of the story and working my way to the end. One of the more recent books I've read is Slaughterhouse Five. I seriously doubt I'll be as successful as that author in this process but it does fit the convience of lazy writing (which beats no writing...would've been the result of formulating an outline to this bitch)

Speaking of outline the title to friday night was going to be blame it on the Alcohol. Despite the bridges burnt I'd be lying if I said they weren't expected. When my Steve (Spaz) asked me on Facebook if I was attending the Arnold this year, my intital thoughts were mixed. Ultimately not going to the Arnold would've resulted in attending either the Bittercold Showdown or Mardi Gras. The only bitch with Bittercold was transportation from the airport in Detroit to the skatepark in Royal Oak. If my boy Shardy (a.k.a. Pimp Juice) goes back again next year I'm sure I can secure a ride with him. My reasons for not returning to Mardi Gras this year was just about appreciating a taste of what its all about...honestly I felt guilty about pushing up on women who were naive and/or drunk. My other head would've taken over again if exposed to that type of enviornment.

Going back to the 180 degree perpective change, I anticipated pleasure in viewing women walk about naked at the Rainbow Gathering. However it was nothing like the experience of Mardi Gras where luck or beads had anything to do with seeing T&A.

What attracts me to the Arnold Classic is the facade is sexy but not dirty. Sure there are unofficial contests between physique and expo models (as well as Ruthie Lucchesi) in how much clevage they can reveal at a public expo. Most event I attend have its share of woman showcasing revealing outfits, but looking back at the Arnold Classic what I remember the most are all the beautiful faces.

Denise Masino told me during the expo that it doesn't matter how ugly a girl is...if she starts getting a muscle definition, people will see her in a different light. Thanks to the wonders of photoshop you can virtually make anyone attractive. However nothing quite beats the pleasure of seeing in person a physique model you've fapped to (hense the surprise of all the women I saw on stage at my first show in Atlantic City)

I suppose its one thing to see one and another thing to tell someone like Emery Miller privied information. To my surprise her response was "so you broken a couple of keyboards on my behalf".

One obstacle that has altered my perception is its one thing to fap to Denise Masino and another thing to realize this vixen actually exists in real life. After apologizing for her overhearing me tell someone else she's a pornstar at the Arnold last year, we talked about why MuscleElegance was a source for me to cum buckets (this was back when IRC allowed me free access)

...With that said one point I want to make before I wrap up part 2 is the changes that have occured. The discovery of mushrooms and other psychedelic drugs greatly shifted my focus in what I would sell my soul to the devil for (not the best example but I think you get my point) Currently there was one facebook user I had to block and a few others which are well on their way for constantly popping up on my facebook (via chat) wanting to discuss FBBs...perhaps maybe it was a phase or just a joke gone too far on be-mag. Nevertheless the sport of female fitness and bodybuilding is an aestestic I was probably pre-conditioned (whether it was through nature or nuture) to draw attraction to.

[ScottF]

You're lost to the scene?
I skimmed and that was what I picked up.

[SchmoeHoHo]

By definition brainstorming is just getting the shit out of your system. Some of the stuff you read will come out as such...

This is a story I should've knocked out a long time ago. After my DSLR camera was stolen last month at a Rainbow Gathering in Western Pennsylvania, my future as a photographer is at a standstill. In some ways in was a blessing as well as a curse. Even though attending female bodybuilding shows is what encouraged me to pick up a camera in the first place, I've long since branched out to cover parades and events such as National Go Topless Day and Mardi Gras. Even with all this the only thing people seem to recognize when I'm confronted in person are the "brolic bitches".

I've been part of the rolling (aggressive skating) community for over 10 years. However no one will forget the shit that I pulled on the be-mag messageboard. After a road trip to skate competition in Rochester I started posting on that board in the summer of 2004. The unusual porn posts were meant to a joke but it turned out that no one was prepared for it. During that same period I was fuckin' with the IRC channel that distributed passwords to adult pay sites. Nowadays the amount of adult physique content is larger compared to the days where it seemed like you had to pay (or search VERY hard) to see a nude female bodybuilder.

Ironically my camera was stolen at the very same place where my perspective almost did a complete 180 degree turn. During the fall of 2004 I went to my very first Halloween Parade in Greenwich Village. The highlight of the night was spotting Colette Nelson in the parade...

Two years ago I remember telling my uncle what Colette told me in Vegas about BuffCuties. Even though it put me in a financial hole she said "Its all about the passion" My uncle's response to this was "passion don't pay the bills" (I'm glad I found a community like the Rainbow Family where money isn't even an acceptable form of trade)

The reality is the only thing I have to show for my four years after college is my photography collection of female bodybuilders. Sometimes I would spend a week in my house doing nothing but photoshopping photos. After posting them on flickr and facebook it seemed like the next logical step was starting a money making blog.

One of the reasons why losing my camera was a blessing was because somewhere down the line it felt like it was consuming my life. Its nice to see T&A at a parade and have a camera to capture the moment, but I justfied the pictures I published by vowing never to profit from these photos.

Back in college my professor recommended that I read a book called The female nude: art, obscenity, and sexuality. Going back to the 180 degree transformation, I described much of my experience of my first physique show (2006 Atlantic City Pro) in another blog entry I have yet to publish (hopefully it will be up soon as most of what I'm writing only repeats what was mentioned there)

Going back to the Arnold Classic, the other delay came from some unexpected backlash. I'm used to getting shit from the twofaced motherfuckers on the unreal boards, but a female bodybuilder posted a comment that gathered the schmoes to form a lynch mob. Long story short someone I met at Veteran's Memorial Coliseum treated me to a couple of cocktails at the Hyatt bar. One of the drinks someone recommended was called a phone call to God (Bacardi 151, Amarillo, and Butterscotch). Between two of those, a jager bomb, and a couple of heinekens, I can how it might have led me to use poor judgement.

Back in college I used to have a friend whose ass I had to save almost every weekend (I'll have to salvage those stories for another entry). Long story short I wasn't used to being a drunk to burn bridges. That science I have learned master while sober. Alcohol was more or less an outlet for me to drown my misery. Being that I'm probably gonna be flammed for posting this on unreal (msgboard) anyway, I might as well add that my biggest regret was not having a stronger substance in my system. In college getting drunk on alcohol was just a typical Friday night. There were some suboxones I took to sell at Ohio State (before my bookbag was lost). Before getting into details recent events made me change my mind about regretting not being further gone than I already was (long story short during my last night in Miami there was shit on the table I had to get rid of fast so I put it under my tongue.

...with that said I'm hitting the submit button against my better judgement. My next installment will include pictures (despite things that shouldn't have been mentioned, I'm not entirely too sure that my camera will be replaced...for all I know it may mark and end of an era in Gonzo Journalism)

I actually read most of this and my take-home point was the same as Four's - that this guy has more stuff lost or 'stolen' than most anyone else you'll ever meet.

Oftentimes, however, drug addicts will say that something was 'stolen' when they've sold or pawned an item or given it to a friend to 'hold' for a few bucks, then failed to pay the friend back in time.

Rollas: You write like someone who's fairly well-educated, but I can assure you of this - if you don't get control over your substance abuse now, you're most likely going to continue a steady decline over the next decade and eventually, even if you're wondering where your life went, your brain will be too fried for you to recover.

[Apollo Creed]

Tre, I thought you put me on your ignore list (or so you claimed). Before seeing that you responded to my post I already knew you got off on trying to pwn schmoes on this board

The only reason why you see this shit here (instead of facebook) is some backlash I got from family members (e.g. New Years Eve mushroom trip)

I have yet to read your response but after I do I'll probably put you on my ignore list to spare you further satisfaction of trolling this messageboard.

The last thing I'll say here is I'm the type of person who doesn't hold back and just let the chip fall where they may. It didn't occur to me yesterday that you would jump on this opportunity like a bitch on heat. Without getting anymore vulgar I can see more clearly why Spaz made a conscious decision to no longer post on this board. Being that I'm constantly exposed to the obscenities of the 4chan community, I feel that there's nothing that can no longer shock me (including smear campaigns ran by assholes who've written me off)

[Apollo Creed]

OK I admit it wasn't the response I was expecting...my apologies for jumping the gun. In actuality the trip was suppose to serve as a means of rediscovering positive outlets. Given my current living situation, obtaining pills was like shooting fish in a bucket. The one thing I did learn from the trip is I'm not a dealer. If anything I'm more likely to freely share.

I just got off the phone with a friend who just had a wedding. The other best man in the wedding sent him a text message saying "I miss Chris Wilson". Yesterday was on the phone with a similar "misery loves company" friend. Despite your hypothesis my camera really was taken from my backpack. However one thing that's true is no one likes to get high by themselves (thats why people spend $10 for drinks at a bar...it beats enjoying two 75 cent King Cobras at home). In a few days I'll be back in Florida however I'll be a long ways from Miami and the connections I met (my brother lives in Florida)

Many people guess that I'm an intelligent person. My inclination to lose myself in drugs only came after shit hit the fan. In my mind the ends justified the means even though I knew the consequences. My six months in outpatient rehab ended with a discharge. Even though I didn't graduate there was progress made. From the way things look I'm making moves to make my way back to Vegas come late September. Before my camera was stolen, I was on the fence about continuing what I was doing even before the Arnold (Spaz giving me a couch to crash on at the Renaissance Inn was ultimately the deciding factor on attending the Arnold this year)

One of the things I remember in Florida was my friend telling me "Nicole's sister is single now. You should hit that up" his fiance responded "That wouldn't be a good idea, Lisa doesn't like druggies". Back in 2005 I had alot of regret about experimenting with marijuana and the backlash that followed". One of the things my professor said which stuck with me is "Anyone that's been anyone has had a period of drug abuse".

At the airport I reopened a book and rediscoved other forms of escape that for all intensive purposes is considered positive. I was coming back to this thread to say losing my camera seems like the best thing thats happened to me. Throughout the day most my time is now focused on my music. Sometimes I may regress into glorifying drug use and may even have reservations on tripping ball at Coney Island on Sunday (Rainbow Gathering Potluck on the beach).

If I didn't have to make my way back up to the Bronx I would go on, but ultimately for me its about having no regrets (like it says on my facebook page) By all means I do not want to end up like Jim Morrison and Hunter S. Thompson, but nevertheless I maintain by taking it one day at a time...

[the_thrill]

One of the things my professor said which stuck with me is "Anyone that's been anyone has had a period of drug abuse".

That has to be the dumbest rationalization of acting stupid ever.

[pandmoanium]

Rollas: You write like someone who's fairly well-educated...

...kinda like Oswald Bates...

[Apollo Creed]

One of the things my professor said which stuck with me is "Anyone that's been anyone has had a period of drug abuse".

That has to be the dumbest rationalization of acting stupid ever.

Its funny, growing up I was told that anyone that's ever picked up a drug is stupid. Perhaps I was better off playing the Bipolar card instead of the recovery one. In any case I was on my way to the Bronx this afternoon when a panhandler interrupted an article I was reading in the village voice. A year and a half ago I remember seeing a homeless woman surrounded by bags on the subway. What made it scary was the fact that I was coming off the mushrooms at that time. My biggest fear was chasing that high to the point where I was off to the races. From that point it was only a matter of time until I ended up becoming one of those people on the subway trains people try to avoid. My biggest problem is trying to walk that line where I'm having fun on the edge of danger.

Going back to my quote all the musicians I used to idolize (and to a certain extent still hold in high regard) have went though a period of drug abuse (I'd list a few but its easier just to say I'm a fan of classic rock). After mentioning to my therapist that my favorite band is Pink Floyd, her response was "you know one of the band members died because they weren't taking care of themselves".

The last thing I'll say is this'll be the last time that I will respond to some generic "acting stupid/lack of character" insult. At this point you motherfuckers are just repeating the same shit. For once put some thought into the smear campaign that you're contributing to.

[Dragon]

Dude, don't take this the wrong way, but put your shit together

[Bernard]

The last thing I'll say is this'll be the last time that I will respond to some generic "acting stupid/lack of character" insult. At this point you motherfuckers are just repeating the same shit. For once put some thought into the smear campaign that you're contributing to.

The reason why everyone is repeating the same stuff is you keep making similar mistakes. As soon as you either quit making the mistakes, or quit posting about them, people will probably stop pointing them out. I would not call this a smear campaign; you are quite capable of making yourself look like a complete assclown. If at any time anyone would warn a person about you, they are simply preparing someone they like for a hurricane of idiocy.

[ScottF]

Let Spaz know we don't miss him. You're both pricks,

[Apollo Creed]

Dude, don't take this the wrong way, but put your shit together

there's a reason why I posted this shit in the uncensored board. I don't normally come to this section of the msgboard.

Rest assured I'll put my shit together...my biggest fear is waiting too long to do this and forgetting details from that weekend. There was another post on the main board which was meant to serve as a place where others can give their input on their observations that weekend...of course my name was mud

[Apollo Creed]

The last thing I'll say is this'll be the last time that I will respond to some generic "acting stupid/lack of character" insult. At this point you motherfuckers are just repeating the same shit. For once put some thought into the smear campaign that you're contributing to.

The reason why everyone is repeating the same stuff is you keep making similar mistakes. As soon as you either quit making the mistakes, or quit posting about them, people will probably stop pointing them out. I would not call this a smear campaign; you are quite capable of making yourself look like a complete assclown. If at any time anyone would warn a person about you, they are simply preparing someone they like for a hurricane of idiocy.

I think that assclown comment made my night. Listen you can tell whoever you want that you can look for me at the bottom of your shoe. The truth is there some people who really know me and they can tell you that deep down, I'm not what some of you are making me out to me. At this you've written me off and thats OK. A long time ago I learned not to make someone else's perspective of me my reality.

The mistake of getting intoxicated to the point where I'm killing people's buzz is a mistake I've only made once or twice. I'm typically known to be a mellow drunk. Truthfully between losing my psychotropic meds, mixing cocktails, and being in a room with woman I'd give my left nut to f***, I can see how the odds weren't in my favor. I couldn't predict that someone would be buying my drinks all night at the bar. The last time I had one too many drinks resulted in someone having to pay for a cab (worst case scenario Nassau County cops would've found me asleep on the sidewalk next to my vomit in front of the bar. Coincidentally it was another case of a friend buying my drinks. At that period of my life the highlight of my week was enjoying the free booze every week at the gallery openings in Chelsea. Alcohol is no longer my drug of choice. Even though psychedelics are what sent me off to the races, I'm trying to steer clear of those as well. Eventually I'm gonna start living life at its own speed. There might be a few more relapses but one thing I learned in rehab is if you fall down 100 times, you just have to pick yourself up 101 times...

(I'll spare going into common phases heard in AA)

[Apollo Creed]

Let Spaz know we don't miss him. You're both pricks,

haha Steve filled me in on what was going on in this board in my absence, by the way what was suppose to be the big surprise at the Japanese Steak House?

[SchmoeHoHo]

Ah, the poor misunderstood genius is back again.

He opens an attention-whoring thread asking for 'something', then claims to be a victim of a smear campaign...one which he himself started.

But then, all the bad behavior isn't even his fault. If he hadn't been forced to get drunk by friends who bought him drinks all night, he would've held his composure. Whatever.

Rollas - Sounds like you've gotten some good advice, but are choosing to live on the bad. When you examine your resume', it's readily evident that you are *exactly* what people see time and again. Seriously, if you'd just gotten fucked up once, but had always been a cool guy, many people would be laughing with you instead of trying to avoid you.

You talk all this psychobabble, but if you weren't so concerned with our perceptions of your 'reality', you would not have posted this journal here.

At the end of the day, though, drug use aside, I really just hate people who make excuses for everything. Oh well.

[the_thrill]

Ah, the poor misunderstood genius is back again.

At the end of the day, though, drug use aside, I really just hate people who make excuses for everything. Oh well.

Ain't that the truth!!! My staff already knows not to tell me they were late because of traffic for the 100th time because I don't care about excuses. I've learned not to even listen to them anymore because it's extremely rare for any of them to be legitimate reasons for failure.

[Apollo Creed]

Ah, the poor misunderstood genius is back again.

He opens an attention-whoring thread asking for 'something', then claims to be a victim of a smear campaign...one which he himself started.

But then, all the bad behavior isn't even his fault. If he hadn't been forced to get drunk by friends who bought him drinks all night, he would've held his composure. Whatever.

Rollas - Sounds like you've gotten some good advice, but are choosing to live on the bad. When you examine your resume', it's readily evident that you are *exactly* what people see time and again. Seriously, if you'd just gotten fucked up once, but had always been a cool guy, many people would be laughing with you instead of trying to avoid you.

You talk all this psychobabble, but if you weren't so concerned with our perceptions of your 'reality', you would not have posted this journal here.

At the end of the day, though, drug use aside, I really just hate people who make excuses for everything. Oh well.

My purpose of starting that initial thread was obtaining content for my story. Nothing has really changed. The smear campaign didn't start with that post. I recall you making me out to being a selfish bastard who purposefully likes to jump in front of shots.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, I don't give two shits about what anyone thinks of me. In fact where I spend most of my time (e.g. writing) serves to balance out that scale. Part of what made me pick up drugs in the first place is taking to heart things that have been said about me. Through all the bullshit that I've been though, one thing that I learn to develop is to have a thick skin.

...I take back what I said. Nobody's perfect and when I do f*** up sometimes it hurts dealing with the backlash. Nevertheless one of my main philosophies in life is whenever you fall down, pick something up. Steve just gave me some advise about not admitting to certain things (like offering LSD on my sleeve to someone in the men's restroom) I'm not Raoul Duke but I admire his philosophies of life (minus the unrestricted use of narcotics)

I'm also tempted to quote that famous scene from Scarface where he's in the restaurant. You point out my character flaws but does that really makes you good? My advice to you Tre is perhaps you should spend a lot less time on this board criticizing the lint in my eye and take the sword out of yours.

[Apollo Creed]

Ah, the poor misunderstood genius is back again.

At the end of the day, though, drug use aside, I really just hate people who make excuses for everything. Oh well.

Ain't that the truth!!! My staff already knows not to tell me they were late because of traffic for the 100th time because I don't care about excuses. I've learned not to even listen to them anymore because it's extremely rare for any of them to be legitimate reasons for failure.

I'm not what you call a conformist. I don't get down on my knees in anyone's office. Bosses may get off on preaching that shit...thats why I don't have one.

[Bernard]

Ok, I am too lazy to go back and quote and cut up what I was going to respond to. Plus, Tre hit most of what I was going to say already.

I never once said I thought of you as being at the bottom of my shoe. I do apologize if my words gave that tone. I know I am not perfect, far from it. But, I don't go on message boards talking about the mistakes I have made, making excuses for them, and then saying everyone is conjuring up a smear campaign against me. OK, you screwed up. Admit it, say you are sorry if you offended anyone, and carry on. You say that deep down you are not what the people here are making you out to be? Prove it. Everything I have heard, though I do understand usually only the bad gets reported, has been confirmed by yourself and at least one or two other parties. A persons actions will warp another persons perspective of them. As humans, we cannot know the heart or mind of another, we can only build an idea of a persons heart and mind based on that persons actions. If you are sore about how people see and/or treat you, prove them wrong through your actions. Talk is cheap, actions are priceless.

True, you probably could not predict someone would be buying you drinks at a bar. I will have to take your word on that one. What you can control is actually drinking drinks. It does not sounds like anyone tied you down and forced you to drink until you where sloppy drunk. In life the only thing anyone truly has control over is their reactions to a situation. Someone declares they paying your drink bill, you cannot control that. But you can control how much you consume. As far as the situation with your drugs, alcohol consumption, and women; though they are all things that can build up and lead to a set of actions, you are still responsible for those actions. Own what you do, and people will respect you more.

Like I said before, I am not perfect. I know I step on people toes, and dissapoint people all the time. I try as much as possible to own my missgivings and try to make up for them. Sometimes we do not see what we do, but when it is presented to us, we should do what needs to be done to make it as right as possible.

To paraphrase a line from Batman Begins, "master Wayne, why do we fall?" "so we can learn to pick ourselfs up." Part of learning to pick ourselfs up is learning what we did wrong so we dont do it again.

[Apollo Creed]

Ok, I am too lazy to go back and quote and cut up what I was going to respond to. Plus, Tre hit most of what I was going to say already.

I never once said I thought of you as being at the bottom of my shoe. I do apologize if my words gave that tone. I know I am not perfect, far from it. But, I don't go on message boards talking about the mistakes I have made, making excuses for them, and then saying everyone is conjuring up a smear campaign against me. OK, you screwed up. Admit it, say you are sorry if you offended anyone, and carry on. You say that deep down you are not what the people here are making you out to be? Prove it. Everything I have heard, though I do understand usually only the bad gets reported, has been confirmed by yourself and at least one or two other parties. A persons actions will warp another persons perspective of them. As humans, we cannot know the heart or mind of another, we can only build an idea of a persons heart and mind based on that persons actions. If you are sore about how people see and/or treat you, prove them wrong through your actions. Talk is cheap, actions are priceless.

True, you probably could not predict someone would be buying you drinks at a bar. I will have to take your word on that one. What you can control is actually drinking drinks. It does not sounds like anyone tied you down and forced you to drink until you where sloppy drunk. In life the only thing anyone truly has control over is their reactions to a situation. Someone declares they paying your drink bill, you cannot control that. But you can control how much you consume. As far as the situation with your drugs, alcohol consumption, and women; though they are all things that can build up and lead to a set of actions, you are still responsible for those actions. Own what you do, and people will respect you more.

Like I said before, I am not perfect. I know I step on people toes, and dissapoint people all the time. I try as much as possible to own my missgivings and try to make up for them. Sometimes we do not see what we do, but when it is presented to us, we should do what needs to be done to make it as right as possible.

To paraphrase a line from Batman Begins, "master Wayne, why do we fall?" "so we can learn to pick ourselfs up." Part of learning to pick ourselfs up is learning what we did wrong so we dont do it again.

Before reading what your post I sent this message reply to Spaz on facebook

(excerpt)

There was a time where I used to blow goats on the internet. After being desensitized by the spectrum of pornography on 4chan, fap session are now few and far between. Right now I'm trying to stay focused. A cousin told me back in '08 that I had another year and a half to f*** around before getting my shit together (and become a responsible and independent adult)

When you asked me if I was coming back to the Arnold my emotions were sorta split. It seemed like there wasn't a competition or convention that didn't go by incident free (e.g. almost getting 86'd from the Orleans). Ironically this year's Arnold turned out to be my best experience at a physique show (despite shit hitting the fan Friday night at the Hyatt).

Just to clarify I stated "Truthfully I don't give a shit about my reputation in that community " and not "I don't give a shit about the community". If I gave a f*** about the bullshit flying around the unreal board I'd probably call motherfuckers out on the shit they're saying...to their face (they have lots of words to say when they're in front of their computer but they're too pussy to spit that same bullshit when we see each other in person at the events).
Nevertheless the result would be my presence no longer being welcome at the Japanese Steakhouse dinner (not mentioning the event itself)

I came from an industry that was small (aggressive skating). Like the physique community it is tight knit but I had no idea how small it was back in 2006. In many ways I had to find out that truth the hard way (e.g. taking pictures during photoshoots at the Orleans pool without asking the photographer and model)

We both know Tre is two faced, but he hasn't pissed me off to the point where I would delete him as a facebook friend. The way I see it he gets off on pwning schmoes (hence his username) on the board. I should've know he had some snake characteristics when he flipped out after observing Ray and Jonathan enter with you into the Olympia pool area. Nevertheless he has helped me out once or twice before leading my smear campaign on the msgboard."

After reading your post I like to thank you in restoring my faith in this board. I think deep down the human nature in everyone is good.

[Bernard]

There are some good people on this board. I agree, the veil that we hide behind called the internet is a odd beast. But it is also the nature of the internet. The internet tends to amplify our emotions (good and bad), without the face to face we do not experience our concious telling us to slow down. It is just greater in some. Over the years I have worked hard at trying to match my online persona with my face to face persona. The first time I met someone that I had met online was in 2000, previous to that I was in an online community that someone I had previously known was involved in as well. Basically, in 2000 I was 20. The funny part was, the people I met couldnt get a gauge on me. They said they thought I could be anywhere from 13 to 50 based on things I said online. Since then, I have tried to be me. Those who have met me in person can tell you, I am the same person everywhere, I just use more words online. I am actually very very shy in person. Anyway. That brings me to this quote.

After reading your post I like to thank you in restoring my faith in this board. I think deep down the human nature in everyone is good.

You are welcome. I guess. But I have to disagree on one thing. I believe all humans are inherently evil. Though we have a concious that directs us one way or another, and we have an innate desire to be pleasing (wiether to ourselfs or others.) We have to work on being good. It is hard, but it is beneficial.

[the_thrill]

Bernie is a good man on the boards and in person but much more mature and wise than his age.